Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
