whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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