My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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