i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
