I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Pants are for mortals
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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