My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
