One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
