Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
