He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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