That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
