after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
