Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
There's even glitter on my cock...
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