i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
