New low: just hacked my moms facebook
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I didn't notice because vodka
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
