finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
