god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
