you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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