I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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