I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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