You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
