Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize