Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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