You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
