I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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