After last night, I could never be a politician.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
