turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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