I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
