____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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