i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
