I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
