well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
