tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
