I would go down on you faster than GM stock
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
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