Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
