yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
