my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
