we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i out mim tonsoeep
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