eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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