She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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