goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
