How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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