So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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