I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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