Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
