Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I love you. Go after that dick
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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