Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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