i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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