do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
