Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
