An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
