halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
