Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
