WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
