He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
