Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
